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5 Simple Steps to Owning Your Sexual Power

I think we have the best sexual experiences when we own our sexual power—knowing what we want and how to ask for it. Sexual agency is the ability to make sexual choices of your own free will, to have the kind of sex you want with a partner of your choosing.

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To enhance your sexual agency:

  1. Become comfortable with your body and experiment to find out what turns you on.
  2. Practice telling your partner what you want sexually. I like to be touched here. This is what turns me on. I prefer to do ________ but I don’t like _________.
  3. Create the right circumstances to make sex pleasurable and safe. Ask your partner to get tested and be prepared with condoms. Follow basic safety rules of dating—learn a little about the person you’re with, make sure someone knows where you are and how to reach you.
  4. Know what you want. Are you looking for a wild night of physical pleasure, a long-term relationship, emotional release, a friend for cuddling? Be clear on what you want and choose a partner who accepts your ability to determine your own sexual pleasure.
  5. There will be people who criticize women who express their sexuality. If you feel uncomfortable or shamed, realize that it’s a cultural thing that has little to do with you specifically. You have the right to pursue your desires and express your sexuality. It’s all about understanding your sexual power.

It is perfectly acceptable for women to choose sex and pursue experiences to their liking. It is pretty exciting to know what you want and feel the freedom to pursue it. Be smart and stay safe. Reviewed by Luis Ferdinand M. Papa, MD, MHA


  • beverlydiehl November 13, 2014 at 7:06 pm

    All excellent tips. Thanks!

    • Walker Thornton November 14, 2014 at 11:48 am

      Beverly, thank you. When we break it down it seems much simpler, doesn’t it.

  • KALYAN ROY CHOWDHURY November 14, 2014 at 12:33 pm

    Can someone advice if the male partner is very horny & his female partner is rather cool, how sex can be enjoyed or maximum sexual pleasure derived?

    • Walker Thornton November 16, 2014 at 12:29 pm

      Good question. I would urge the couple to talk about their sexual needs, communication is one of the best tools we can use in relationships. Some women are not as sexually driven as men, leading to an imbalance of needs. If the female partner is willing to talk about what she wants and doesn’t want that would help her male partner understand the situation. He might look at whether he’s pressuring her to have sex–that can be a turn-off.
      If talking together isn’t working it might be useful to consider a sex therapist.

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